Decipher:
One thing that is more universal than life is death; everyone dies but not everyone lives. I have been thinking of death a lot, & I am amazed by it’s inevitability, frightened as we all are, of the totally unknown and yet feel a long sleep is earned by those of us who live on the edge. For me it will be an eternal sleep, there will be nothing that will effect me at once as my own death. As I know now that I can’t get out of life alive. To die will be an awfully big adventure.
This world is a monotonous example of livinghood. Each and everything is turning bad, if not bad they are not good even. My thoughts, my desires, and I myself are too odd for the protuberance. Sometimes I really don’t like this orb, everything here is good & beautiful but people impersonate an ugly and bad sense of their souls at others. People want to remember you only when you are gone, nobody respects the existence of an entity when they are available to them. And they term this kind of living as a pragmatic form of verisimilitude.
I always feel that love makes me a poet, a love that is sacred; it is true, and above all, an everlasting affair. Still I have to confess it and approach of death should make me a philosopher and help me attain it. For me death will never become the last sleep, but it will be the final awakening. I find death a true friend or I can state that it will be a conjugal affair. I find it nubile yet I am not uxorious as my dreams are yet to be achieved.
I will never seek death; she will find me, as I will ensure the road that makes death a fulfillment. I foresee death as an imorata. Since many live as they are afraid to die, I want death as I am scared to live. It doesn’t mean I am a coward or a pessimist. People say suicide sometimes proceeds from cowardice, but not always, for cowardice sometimes prevent it. In my not so humble opinion, if you kill a man, you are termed as assassin, if you kill thousands of men, you are known as conqueror. If you kill everyone, you are god & if you kill yourself, in my words you are more than god. Because suicide kills two people …… & that’s what it is for.
avowal:
When I am dead I don’t want my body to be kept for anyone’s last vision. I will never be pleased nor admire people coming and putting a bunch of flowers beside my dead body. Who wants flowers when you are dead? “Nobody” I pray that may this becomes true and my body is not available for anyone, because the sole purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is a pre-requisite of any funeral service to show others how kind hearted & loving you are and their improved opinion for you will be very comforting. So, don’t anyone be at mine as after that I won’t be at yours.
As when anyone asks me if I am still alive, I have no answer to that. The “I” is always a “you”, as we inhabit each other in other’s irremediable singleness. Before my memory came into being, there was a teal moon and I went by it, walking, as a passenger of this earth. Now when I think that I can think, I see myself sitting on it’s back, choking it and making it carry me, and yet assure myself and others that I am very sorry for this and wish to ease it’s lot by all possible means – expect by getting off it’s back. And what I term myself should be better abbreviated FOE (friend of entity).
divulgence:
I have observed that no matter how much a man loves a woman, it will still give the lady a glow in her eye to see the man commit suicide for her. Why, I often ask myself, why are we so rude to life, is death we love, the answer I get is baffling me. Because it has been neither death nor life we are worried of. We are still complaining to our retrospection, and no one is bewailing of his/her sagacity. I am least concerned with beauty or perfection, I do not care for the great centuries. All I want to care about is life, struggle and fervor. I have studied the lives of great men and famous women who reached at the zenith of their times. They did the jobs they had in hand with everything they had of energy and enthusiasm and hard work.
When I was a kid I always was in a hurry to grow up. I even acted in a very elderly fashion with my friends. At times when we had any quarrels, I used to get out of the way and always admitted that may be I am wrong and gave room to he other party. Then a time came when guys started felling like may be it’s my duty to do so and took me for granted. There were times when I felt like getting dejected but at last I had hopes that may be one day I will prove myself that I am on the right side of this repertoire of human conscious. And I should always neglect me first, my first attitude. Although I never expect anything in return but I always remember what my Ma always teaches me. She says, “if you do some good for Ram & he doesn’t recognize, a day will come when Shyam will certainly recognize you for your deed”. And now I am a strong orator of this thought as I have watched it becoming a truth.
I want all to remember that people always forget what we say, they forget whatever we did but never forget how we made them feel. No matter how thin we slice there are always two sides, even the bad things have a lot to teach us. Maybe this attitude of mine always fascinated me towards the harder aspect of life i.e. death. And lately I learned that life is a one-way street, no matter how many detours we take, none of them leads us back. Once we know that & accept that, life becomes much simpler. Cherish the love we have, we should cherish the time we have.
Today I owe a lot to my friends, they are the one who taught me, what to do & what not to do. They are the people who taught me, that our background & circumstances might have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for what we become. Now due to them life seems to be a myrmidon & makes me focused to be more alert before it turns into a nemesis.
Lastly, as I always say, “any life no matter how attenuated or perplexed it may be is made up of single moment, a moment in which a man finds out once and for all, who is he”. I know my freedom with life and servitude to death. I wish before I earn that eternal sleep I may lit those darker skies of my mind which makes me disturbed on being misunderstood & will make me disturbed on not being understood.
